I am reading a funny little book called 101 Places NOT to See Before You Die. This post’s idea comes from that. So, in no particular order, THE most boring places I have ever had the misfortune to be in. (So sorry if you either live here or enjoy being in any of these places. Our tastes are obviously different!!)
1. (Near) Hell, Grand Cayman — OK, I admit it; I REALLY wanted to go to Hell. I thought it was hysterical! If someone told me, “Go to hell” I could honestly reply, “Been there, done that.” I thought I was clever. But Mom was adamant: NO WAY IN HELL, pun intended. It was a 30 minute bus ride to Hell, and Mom wanted to relax and shop. Well, from what I heard once we got back on the ship, I am glad we didn’t go. As it turned out, it was a souvenir shop and a post office. Mom wouldn’t have minded TOO much because there was shopping, but I would have been pissed.
2. The Oregon Coast — I have no idea why people want to come here. My grandparents have been dragging themselves (and me once or twice) here for years. It’s too cold to swim, it’s too warm to sit inside all day, and there isn’t a young person in sight for miles and miles. It didn’t help that when I was there last, I couldn’t drive, so I felt even more trapped. To put it another way: the highlight of the trip was being able to take a bath and look out the window onto the ocean.
3. The nunnery where my great aunt is, Logrono, Spain — Every time we go to the Basque Country, Dad makes us visit every living relative, and the graves of everyone else. So, there we were, traipsing into homes of people Mom, Steph (my ever-present baby sister) and I have never laid eyes upon before, much less expect hospitality from. Inevitably, Dad feels an obligation to Tia (and to God, whom she serves) to visit. So we drive. And drive. And drive. In the heat. And when we finally get to the nunnery, WE CAN’T TOUCH HER. Well, the babies we can pass through the window, but the rest of us have to be on the outside and maybe can hold her hand. Because of her vows, you see. A little something Dad failed to mention. But at least her Sisters fed us a really wonderful meal.
4. The highway between McDermitt, NV and Marsing, ID — Driving from Reno to Boise is not fun. It is grueling. It is desolate. Once I stop and get chorizo in McDermitt, I know that I am in for about 4 hours of boring, flat, desolation. Not an animal in sight, not even a cow. Bring on the coffee and Diet Pepsi!!
5. The airport of any major metropolitan city, (i.e. Cleveland) especially if you can’t leave and have to catch a connecting flight. (i.e. Vancouver, Brussels) — There I was, sitting in an airport in Cleveland, Ohio, waiting for my flight out, and I am stuck. I can’t go anywhere. Which wasn’t that bad, because I had no intention of doing ANYTHING in Cleveland. But when I was in Vancouver, Canada, and tempted with beautiful pictures of the surrounding area, I really wanted to check things out! Same for Brussels, Belgium! I wanted to check out those crazy Flemish people and get a waffle! But no, I had to wait for hours, being tormented about things I was so close to, and may never be as close to again. All I had to comfort me was Pizza Hut and the Duty Free.
6. Waco, Fucking Texas — This place is a hell hole. I hated Waco with every single ounce of my being, and I felt like my soul was being ripped out of my body through a tiny hole in the top of my skull. It was hot. It was flat. It was full of teetotalers. I went to the movie theater, and a woman talked on her cell phone the entire time. Not a single person was nice to me in the entire city. I can honestly say I will never set foot in that state unless it is in an airport, which will be a direct contrast to #5, because I will be happy to sit in the airport and remember how much I hate it outside of those safe cement walls.
7. Dallas, Texas — And speaking of hating Texas… I had an entire day in Dallas all to myself. What to do, what to do? Well, I could go to the assination site and check out a piece of American history! Wrong. Those damned Texans are so secretive about it, no wonder people think there is a conspiracy around Kennedy’s assatination. You would have thought I was looking for Satan’s Sex Shoppe where I could buy dead puppies to feed to my vampiric sex slaves, the way people wanted to talk about it! When I finally found it, it was a giant white X and a hot dog cart.
8. Arco, ID — Touted as “The First City to be Powered By Atomic Energy,” this little blip on the map seems cool, but it isn’t. It is in the middle of nowhere Idaho, with the only interesting thing nearby being the INEEL, which you can’t even get near for fear of terrorism. And radiation exposure.
9. Salt Lake City, UT — College kids from SLC drive to Idaho to buy beer. Because you can’t get real beer or real alcohol here. Enough said. It’s like hell to me. No matter that it may be really pretty; if I can’t have a glass of wine with dinner, I’m out.
10. Wyoming, Except Yellowstone and the rest of the Northwest Quadrant — At one point, my sister lived in Denver and I lived in Boise. We drove to Denver to see her graduate from law school because Dad doesn’t like to fly, but does apparently love to be tortured by boring, flat landscapes and 17 hour drives. I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out from sheer boredom. THEY were even bored looking at miles upon miles of flatland.