Hey, Mr. C, What Happened to our Relationship?!

This June, Mr. Farie and I will celebrate our 16th Wedding Anniversary. It seems unbelievable that we’ve been married that long.

During these nearly sixteen years, life has brought us lots of changes. We spent several summers with Mr. Farie’s two children from his previous marriage; his son, Tyler, came to live with us at 13 and we got to go through the high school years with him. We watched Phil’s daughter, Kristina, graduate from high school, get married and give us 4 grandsons. We spent an endless amount of summer days at softball fields. Then we adopted Munch, and bought a ranch in the sticks.

All the while we’ve been married, I’ve been harboring another secret. I have been having an affair. For the last two years, I’ve had a clandestine meeting nearly everyday with another man. We meet in a dark corner of my kitchen not long after Phil has left for the day. It’s a brief interlude, but one I count on to get me through the day. A simple pleasure, really. He’s so hot. I just love to inhale his aroma. Often my eyes are closed as I soak in his incredible warmth. Yes, my friends, I have a thing for Mr. Coffee. Or, I guess I should say, I had a thing for Mr. Coffee.

You see, Mr. Farie and I are hard on our relationships with our coffee makers. Mr. Farie used to help me make coffee, and often wouldn’t put the carafe in all the way, resting completely on the burner, so I would often wake in the morning to find my liquid gold floating on the surface of the kitchen counter. We only make a pot a day, so I don’t think we’re excessive. It was only a matter of time before Mr. C wasn’t going to put out anymore.

About two years ago, we went through a particularly bad patch. We had a very basic model of Mr. Coffee, which we had for a number of years. But one morning when I went to the kitchen, he wasn’t waiting for me with those steamy mugs of his. Alas, he was gone. Only the dim light of the “ON” button was all I had to remember him by.

Mr. Farie reminded me that we had a practically brand new coffee maker stored in the garage that was given to us by a neighbor after she couldn’t sell it at one of my garage sales. It was a KRUPS model and was it ever fancy! It even had a built-in bean grinder. Well, I washed that thing and again found myself infatuated. But, it only lasted for about 2 weeks. What the heck?! The light was on, but again, no MO JO.

So, after work, I headed to Wal-Mart. I wasn’t going to pay a ton of money for a coffee maker, so I decided on a middle of the road model. It had a timer and clock and that was about it. I washed it, prepped it, and rubbed my hands together in anticipation of our first meeting. The jerk decided not to show. Seriously. I apparently got a faulty model. So, back to Wal-Mart I went, after a stop at Starbuck’s. I exchanged it for another just like it. What are the odds that I will have two with the same problem, right?

Well, I brought it home and got it prepped, washing the carafe last. It was about this time that I hit the side of the sink and watched the carafe shatter into a hundred pieces. YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! I immediately called the number on the warranty pamphlet to order a new carafe. It was a Wal-Mart service center. I explained that I had broken the carafe and could I please order a new one. The woman on the other end of the phone explained that it was a discontinued model and that they didn’t have a carafe available any longer. She instructed me to take it back to Wal-Mart and get a new coffeemaker. I again shared that it was MY FAULT that it was broken in the first place. She said that was fine, just to return it.

Well, hah! I wasn’t going to be undone by a coffee maker again, so when I took it back, I’d decided that I was going to choose another model, because not only was this one discontinued, but it had bad karma as well.

I again chose a Mr. Coffee model, but it was a bit “higher end”, costing $10 more than the previous model. I was sure that we were cursed, but that one lasted about two years. Until last week. After a particularly bad night’s sleep, we went to the kitchen to find another Mr. Coffee headed to the Appliance Heaven in the sky. As Kenny Chesney once said, “It’s like inviting all your friends to your place to watch the Big Game, and someone stole your big screen tv.” On this particular morning, I could relate.

So, last week, I made another trek to “Wally World.” This time, I set my sights on a Black and Decker model. Who knows how long this relationship will last…


About Farie

I am a country girl that recently came home after 15 years of "city" living. At the age of 40, I got a horse and fell in love with a little girl my husband and I adopted. I love to cook, read, run, garden and write.
This entry was posted in Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Hey, Mr. C, What Happened to our Relationship?!

  1. Fannie says:

    With MY cup of magic in hand this a.m….I almost spewed what was in my mouth all over my computer monitor…oh Farie, dahling, you do have a way with words! Let’s hope Mr. BD knows how to treat a woman…for a long, long time…

  2. Fae says:

    I, too, had to giggle when reading you broke the carafe! Way too funny, Farie. I’ve never heard of anyone going through so many coffee makers in my entire life!! But now you can have an affair with a real ‘get ‘er done’ kinda guy…way to go!

  3. Felia says:

    Too Funny! I laughed out loud, much to my co-workers (non) delight! I have witnessed this same scene, so I know how you feel.

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