The Divorce Bed

While in the Basque Country, we had the luxury of staying in my grandmother’s (or Amuma’s) apartment.  It was luxurious because it was free.  This flat has been sitting empty for about six months, so I knew to expect some kinks.  I did, however, forget about Amuma’s bed.

The last time I was in the Basque Country, ten years ago, the bed sagged in the middle, and every morning it was a work out just to launch myself out of the mattress taco.  The second I stepped into the room, I could see that the bed had not been replaced in the last ten years.  Biff and I were in for a treat.

You see, we are not cuddlers.  After we kiss each other good night, a strict no invasion policy goes into effect: You don’t touch me, and I don’t touch you.  Mainly this is because neither one of us likes to be hot when we are sleeping.  So I knew that this sagging monstrosity before us was going to test our patience. 

And apparently, I am not nice in the middle of the night.  I get very angry.  My Basque-ness comes out, and I say mean things I might regret in the morning if my precious sleep is disturbed.  Also, because I am a light sleeper, when something touches me in the middle of the night, I immediately think “SPIDER!” and try to kill whatever is touching me.

Every night, we constantly tried to keep afloat on the sides of the bed so we wouldn’t roll onto each other, which would kick-start my spider-killing flailing. It seems humorous now, but at the time, it was a matter of life or death.  Especially one night when Biff decided to get back at me for my meanness, and tickled my armpit.  WHILE I WAS SLEEPING.  I went into spider attack mode.  And when I heard Biff giggling, I rolled over, grabbed the top of the mattress, pulled myself up as far as I could and demanded: “I want a divorce.”  Biff replied:  “You can’t divorce me!  We aren’t even married yet!”  HRMPH.  He claims I immediately went back to sleep and started to snore, but I distinctly remember plotting my revenge for at LEAST three seconds.

When we arrived home, I took a look at our little full-sized bed and shivered.  We were never going to be able to sleep together again.  The nightmare of being tickled in my sleep haunted me. And last night was my wake-up call to buy a new, bigger bed. Biff was having a hard time sleeping, which woke me up because the slightest noise can do that to me.  (If it is a noise, I think MOSQUITO! and I try to kill it.) I rolled over on my back, and ow!  There is an elbow in my back.  I nudged it, thinking Biff was sleeping and he would move over onto his side of the bed (because no matter what he tells you, he WAS on MY side of the bed.)  No give.  None.  In fact, I am pretty sure the elbow moved MORE onto my side of the bed.  Angry that Biff was stonewalling me, I rolled back onto my side and sighed.  Loudly.  And that did it.  Biff was mad.  Then he plotted his revenge on me all night. 

After a heated argument this morning, I decided: we are getting a new bed. More importantly, I decided that THIS is the kind of information newlyweds need to know.  The only gift at a wedding should be a new, giant king sized beg.  I have a feeling a large bed is the answer to a lot of problems!

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4 Responses to The Divorce Bed

  1. Fannie says:

    LOL! Love it! I, too, have exerienced the Taco Bed…for years…it was the bed that was “in the back room”, as it had been for forty or fifty years, at my in-laws. And, we visited, and slept, at my in-laws, A LOT. Over the years, in our own home, we HAVE graduated beds, first the full (for years, actually, with two children often in it with us), finally the queen, about 21 years ago, and…most recently, the King. I’ll say, the Queen is my favorite…just enough cuddling, just enough space.

  2. Fae says:

    We graduated to the King size about 6 years ago and I love it! Of course our Stearns and Foster mattress is the biggest reason I love it. Although we recently had to get a new mattress in the RV and ended up buying a memory foam mattress. It’s weird getting used to. If Mr. Fae has to get out of bed in the middle of the night, the mattress doesn’t even move. You don’t feel the other person tossing and turning at all. That’s the part I love best! There are no pressure points like you get in a spring mattress. We’ve used it for two trips now, still breaking it in.

  3. Farie says:

    My goodness, I read this during my lunch break at work and nearly choked on my pasta ceasar chicken salad! My sleeping habits are similar…don’t lay on me, it’s hot, don’t wake me up in the middle of the night, I’m cranky, and when I was going through my divorce from Art the Fart, I rented a little A-framed cabin that was not insulated and had a similar mattress. I LOVED that bed! It was like a cocoon! I didn’t move in it all night. It had a lovely electric blanket which was covered with 15 pounds of other quilts.
    Funny, it seems with all the wedding plans, some unexpected expenses have come up…LOL!

  4. Once, in a moment of channeling the wisest of sages, a friend of our said “A bigger bed doesn’t buy me space; it buys me time.” He’s a non-moving sleeper; his wife’s a cuddler. My wife is a cuddler, as, apparently, am I, but I don’t cuddle when I get hot. The key problem, however, is movement. If you can tamp that movement down then a bigger bed will do just fine, but if you both move during your sleep then all you’re buying is time. The wife and I, we move so much during sleep that I’ll bet it looks like we’re having slow motion sex underneath the sheets. I wish that was true; but as we both know only she has sex in her sleep. So good luck with that Cali King you’re gonna buy, and consider building a portable wall. you could also go Ozzie and Harriet style and sleep in separate beds. I have no problem with that, but the wife will have none of it.

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