I need you to do me a favor. Go to Google. In the search bar, type one word: why. Wait for the suggestions to come up. And lose your mind.
If you are too busy to do this, and just so you can understand why I am freaking out,this is what comes up: “why am I so ugly?”
I went crazy when I saw this. Either Google did this on purpose (messed up) or this is the most often used search phrase (more messed up). We have a serious problem in our country, and it isn’t weight, or health, or education, or economy.
It is how we perceive ourselves, or more exactly, our obsession with looks, image, and material things, and not about happiness and self-acceptance.
It makes me sad that people are Googling “Why am I so ugly?” As if a computer knows that. But I am here to tell you that the only ugly people in the world are the people who have ugly minds, ugly souls, and ugly actions. They are skinny and fat, rich and poor, unpopular and popular, single or not. They are still ugly in my book.
The instant I posted on Facebook that I was engaged, out came all the weight loss ads, as if the first thing I wanted to do was lose weight. I have to get beautiful for my wedding; the implication being I am not pretty enough as I am right now. At first, I fell for this myself! But in all actuality, I was always more concerned with my weight BEFORE I met Biff, because all the men I dated were so concerned with looks: how they looked, how I looked, how other people thought they looked, and how other people thought I looked. My choice in men was not great at the time. But not Biff. Biff accepts me for who I am. Big butt and all. (In fact, he loves to tell me how much he loves my butt all the time, and I am having to learn to take it as a compliment. Except the one time he called it big. He is not allowed to do that. He is only allowed to say that it IS a butt. No adjectives please. I can only overcome so many years of brainwashing at a time. And the same applies to me. If I call it big, he gets to tell me I am wrong and that it is a butt, no adjectives!)
I think obsession is a sickness, and one that hurts far longer than any issue we can see. I understand being healthy, and I wish I was healthier, and I can achieve that goal. But I am never going to be supermodel thin, supermodel beautiful, or photoshop perfect. And guess what? 99.9% of the world is NOT. And it makes me sad that people spend so much time of their lives worrying about being beautiful and not about being HAPPY. I wish the question Google came up with is “why am I not happy?” I think trying to be happy is way more important for your health than being what people think is skinny, or cool, or beautiful. Less stress is a good thing, and if you are constantly worrying about your looks, then you are just going to be more stressed out.
This is always what happens with me. I start to worry about being “too big” for anyone to like me. So I start wanting to lose weight, so I pay all this money for a gym, then I waste it because I hate gyms, and I never go. Or I start to worry that I am “too hairy” for a man to love me, so I go to these laser hair removal places where they want me to pay $200 a month for 24 months so I can look better! Then I start to worry about money. Where am I going to get the money for this all important procedure that isn’t even guaranteed to work or last? Or I pay tons of money for waxing, threading, etc. and then I wonder where all my money went and all the time my body is just producing more hair! It is what my body does best. Seriously. Or I start to worry that my clothes aren’t cool enough, so I go to the store and buy a bunch of clothes that are hip and cool. I take them home, never wear them and worry about all that money that just went on my credit card bills. Stress, stress, and more stress, leading to more stress!
It is a vicious cycle, and one that we need to get out of.
I know a lot of people will disagree with me. I know that money makes people happy, and spending it does, too. And that people have every right to spend their money and free time however they want! But I just wish more people were less concerned with their looks and their perceived beauty, and more concerned with the beauty of the world we live in and the inner beauty of the people that surround us.
I know I sound hippy-dippy, and maybe that is just the mood I am in now, but this is something I am going to try to work on: accepting myself for who I am and how I look, and for my own actions. It is quite funny, because before I met Biff, I would have NEVER thought this. I would have berated myself for my weight or my looks or my scars, and whined that I am not pretty enough to ever find love. But I guess being with someone who loves you really alters your thinking. I think Biff would be proud of me and my baby steps toward self acceptance.